It’s that time of the year when people start making these so-called “resolutions” which seldom seem to stick for most people. Some are even calling it the end of the decade, which, technically speaking is quite incorrect. It’s not like we celebrated the end of the millennium when 2000 was getting over, did we? But then again, there’s no harm looking at 2011 as the beginning of a new decade. Giving things a fresh start always work, so yeah, go ahead; call it the end of the decade. Personally, I’d like to do the same thing, considering 2001 was where all the trouble started, and I won’t say that 2011 was a particularly fantastic year, both for me, and some of my closest friends.
I’m not going to deconstruct the makeshift “decade” in detail, because it is a rather stupid thing to do. While most of the decade was a drag, 2007 stands out as a year of pure, guilt-free fun; a year where everything was calm and no one was looking at the way you dealt with things, at least not everyone. I can do anything to get that back, anything. I almost succeeded over the last course of the last month till something rather dramatic happened, and that was followed by a rather tragic anti-climax a couple of weeks back. There’s always a horrible way for things to get worked out. You can’t blame me for feeling like Michael Bluth most of the time.
So here we are, on the threshold of a brand new journey, one which will be so crucial for most of us, that we will try our best to change ourselves to adapt to things. Sadly, we will end up opening a new can of worms effortlessly and unknowingly, because that’s what has always been happening; and whatever we do, we can’t change the fact that we are essentially continuing what people around us do. In all this, it isn’t wrong to forget the knots which you have tied in the past, because there’s no point going back to these things. Some knots are best tied, and if they have to be untied, they will, in due course. It doesn’t work if you keep thinking of it all the time.
I doubt if 2010 could have been worse than it was. But then again, can we be sure that the New Year will be better? Nobody can know for sure. The year’s most important lesson had to be something that Edward Abbey said years ago – “When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.” The funny thing is that I am not even remotely talking about dogs, but all that is a different story. 2011 will see a lot, but most of it will be in the head for everyone around and that’s what will make it worse for them. I’m not looking out for anyone. I’m just making an observation which can be taken with a pinch of salt.
So, here we go. Season’s greetings! Let your hair down over the next two days like there’s no tomorrow, because, as a certain Don Draper would say, there isn’t. Wow! Quite a few TV show/movie references here, as usual. I just can’t stop, now can I?
Happy New Year, or so I hope!
The frown. Possibly one of the most complicated expressions that the world has ever seen. I’ve seen it being pulled off with as much as a slight effort. True story.
Change is imminent, at least most of the time. Only a microcosm tends to get the best out of the remaining bit. While this statement may seem a little too wild, it is something that has been observed, time and again. Nobody would want change to be the deciding factor for a decision. These decisions are something that will bother us long after they’ve been made, irrespective of the choice we make when we were to decide upon the very thing that got us into such a situation in the first place.
An event always has ramifications and it is these that go on to define the change that came out of a decisive moment that was closely linked with the said event. Knowledge of the event isn’t enough; it is the experience that counts. Entry is always supposed to be controlled and not be taken lightly. This is not supposed to sound elitist despite the fact that it is just that. When there is need for contraction that is exactly what should take place. Expansion should be avoided as much as possible, for not being able to do so will lead to a consequence that can burn down many houses. It is all about utility, sometimes. When things are done to this effect, there ought to be a follow-up failing which there might be a severe backlash, such is the inevitability of destiny. Sadly, all that we remember is the distance from here, to then.
After all this is over, the transmission of trauma begins, and I must say that it isn’t really pleasing. Somehow, at the end of the day, the sea always manages to reclaim the land, because that’s how it starts. Such is the perfection of nothing. On an entirely different level, the future, basically, is the past waiting to happen. The only difference is that the next stop is unknown. One thing that must be realised is that the truth is born in strange places as the compass continues to burn across the wall of days.
Oh well, I think that made me frown, but then again, what if it was actually a smile? It isn’t like it hasn’t happened before, you see.
Of recoil and grace
June 2008: Late goodbye. A new ‘home’. New hopes and aspirations. Yet, a sense of being resigned to fate.
July 2008: Turns out home isn’t meant to be what it means. Strangely, a seemingly post-apocalyptic wasteland will have to suffice.
June 2009: An acceptance of sorts. Words to expression. All undone thanks to a certain unforeseeable event.
July 2009: Doubt. Questions v. Answers. Impulse. The Overture.
June 2010: The fire in the smoke. A ‘perfect’ circle. The theory is still just theory.
At around the same time last year, I was rather satisfied. This hadn’t happened in a long time. A visit from an old friend had kept me in check for I was on the verge of tearing things apart. My mind was clouded with thoughts, a little too much perhaps. That resulted in the creation of this blog, something to which I haven’t given much importance over the last two and a half months. My diary too has been in a similar state of neglect. Anyway, this period of calm last year was something that was supposed to help me as I would enter the second year of law school, something which I had to gear myself up for. However, a single incident changed all that. A world of ignorance, for the lack of a better term, came crashing down on me just a week before I returned to Gandhinagar. And to think that I had to spend that last week hiding gloom and having to appear to be in the best of spirits for the people around me. The return to Gandhinagar wasn’t very different either, but then I had to make it different, something to which I gave my all.
I was at a stage when I had to hide behind a veil, trying to find out what was it that was actually in my head. Questions, questions. If only some part of me could pop up and press the buzzer. But alas, I had no answers. All of a sudden, a thought that changed everything crept in. It was very indirect yet had a sense of finality associated with it. What it resulted in was an impulsive act that had to be done. There were glitches but I don’t think there are any regrets, like seriously.
Then came a time when giving shelter almost gave a major diversion away. As a defence mechanism, I had to admit to something which wasn’t true. That, however, didn’t stop me from trying to repeat it later. Thankfully, there was no need for the replay to run for me. All this as new set was formed. It was a set which gave out a feeling of completeness. Every element within was familiar, all but one. Prominent elements on the outside were just there, still given way more than necessary. I returned home a tad satisfied for a change, something which helped the mind a lot.
The New Year’s coming meant a return to Gandhinagar. This time, fate had more in store, things that couldn’t have been thought of by me at an earlier time. A new beginning for certain elements within resulted in too many unnecessary discussions. I, for one, had to agree, yet disagree. But then the sluggishness needed to be scripted out, and that was done, to no avail. The drama was yet to begin as things were to turn on their on their head. It all started with a few brief moments. Suddenly, the moments were becoming longer. Then just when there was a massive hullabaloo, I realised that something strange was happening. I had been struck by elemental oddness. It was a bolt from the blue. While it certainly was weird, I felt happy for absolutely no reason. I must admit that I had never felt this good about myself, ever. It was unbelievable. Yet, it was happening. And I was letting it happen.
Simultaneously, elementary unity was running on animal instinct, upsetting the established order, a fact that was conveniently overlooked. It was all about being there, yet not being there. It wasn’t wrong, it was completely elemental. We obviously can’t choose to ignore something elemental. For the ones that feel it the most, it is sinful. Sadly, when there is a disintegration of an institution, there are always reactions, which, by the way, are also elemental. But then where there is chaos, the elemental order can seldom prevail. These lead to more reactions which are trivially unhealthy. Impulsiveness from the outside affects the balance, cutting that fabric that should survive despite the ruins, something which stays imprinted in the mind.
Looking at conditions on the outside, there always is a sense of delicate calm. The instinct is dark but is deeply connected to happiness, something which is fair, at least on the face of it. Then there is the ultimate irony, that of continuity, which always has two sides, thanks to the phenomenon of interference being used to gather, without any rhyme or reason. Because of all this, there is a constant need for further enclosing the various chambers within, irrespective of what the consequences are. There always are casualties, good and bad. Consequence, you see, doesn’t occur inside, but outside. From inside, you can watch the world devoured in its pain.
The theory of cause and effect is always unfair and biased. That ought to change, now more than ever. Power should always be handled responsibly. A dream can’t be raised in the same place in which it was conceived, despite resistance from within. But then, logic isn’t always synonymous with the nuances of human nature. There is nothing wrong with hoping that the right thing will fall into the right place. There always is a thin line between chaos and order. A feeling of inevitability always results in the construction of one narrative or the other. Be it the losing battle of the conscious and the conscience, or the lie that tells the truth, these narratives are all a part of an implicit utopian dream, something which also explains impossibility and the pain that reminds. Castles made in the sand are bound to eventually melt into the sea, just like eggs can’t be unscrambled. All you can do is wonder as you wait for time to wait for you. Here I am, as I wonder about pain and time, and about memories; about the mystery of life and probably even how much of it can possibly remain. I wait. And I wonder.
For many years now, I have been intrigued by the phenomenon of coincidence. The very thought of it has filled me with a sense of relief, for it has usually been something that gives me a very optimistic view of life as it is. Of late, however, coincidences have become so regular that I am beginning to doubt their very relevance. Why is it that we tend to give way too much importance to these coincidences?
I seem to have misconstrued these coincidences in such a way, that I have started to loathe them, at least at a sub-conscious level. After having tried to find a justification for every action I take, I have faltered in a very strange fashion. For the first time, I am in a position which I can’t justify, for justifying the same will put me in a rather peculiar state.
Nothing ought to be assumed to be obvious because of how it seems. The human mind tries to use logic to search for an explanation but isn’t that a justification in the first place? Why do we, then, continue to make the same errors in judgment time and again, till we are left with no proper alternative? I may have been wrong about coincidences throughout, so much so that I have sub-consciously thought that they are the part of a larger, divine plan, while all they are in reality are just coincidences. Although I was wrong, the mind has been altered so much that there is a constant ego-tussle within and I don’t know what I should believe and what, I shouldn’t. All I can do is have silent word of praise on my mind, that’s all. That, and leaving it to, well, coincidence.
Attrition? Not really.
Adaptability is a gradual process. We often tend to misunderstand the effect it has on various aspects of our lives. It is something which, though often thought about, doesn’t particularly affect us. That, however, doesn’t mean that we do not let it take control of our lives. We, in fact, ensure that it is one of the most factors when it comes to making decisions, decisions of all kinds. It somehow takes you back to a different era altogether, a time which you are either absolutely ignorant of, or one which you do not want to remember.
Over time one tends to observe things that other prudent people would consider highly irrelevant but you always have that strange gut instinct that there may be something that needs to be looked into. There may not be something very deep but you know that even this small observation makes a difference. This thought slowly eats into your mind and occupies it for quite a while. That, sadly, isn’t very comfortable. But then, you can’t help it, can you? You see, sometimes you can’t be expected to suspend your senses at most times.
When we tend to digress a bit from the usual course, adaptability ceases to be of importance, at least on the face of it. That is where something totally irrelevant plays a more major role. That thing is called solace. We try running after solace almost all the time – be it in lonely walks or in music, in sharing our insecurities or even writing down what we feel. Praise is something that doesn’t really matter. At the end of the day, it comes down to either decisiveness, or how receptive to co-operation you really are.
Getting stuck on too many details or fearing routines don’t really help. How complete can things really be? That is something which can possibly never be answered, for wishes can be taken away from you, time and again. Purity and freedom doesn’t have to matter all the time. Analysing this will take quite a while, but then, is it even worth the effort?